Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Our Park Day Disaster

It's a little hard to believe that just a few minutes after I took this picture that my most traumatic moment as a mom (so far) would happen.. I'm not much of a blogger anymore but I know I want to remember this story so I wanted to make sure I wrote it down.
Work and school has me so busy lately. I often feel guilty that I don't spend enough time taking Clara to do fun things. This week, I was lucky to have three days off in a row. I really wanted to find some time to do something special with her. Things were busy with family being in town, a wedding, and homework. It was my last day off so we were running a few errands. I realized we hadn't done anything fun all weekend so I decided to drive Clara to our favorite park, the only one that has baby swings. She was so excited and kept repeating "I sing, I sing!" (meaning "swing") the whole way there. When we got there, she ran right for the swings just like she always does. 
Clara could swing for hours. She loves it. I almost always take a video or picture cause it's so darn cute how excited she gets. I always push her facing her so I can watch her giggle and grin the whole time. Unfortunately this time, we had a little bit of a freak accident. It's such a freak accident it's hard to even explain. As I was reaching to push Clara, she put her head down to look at her feet and somehow her mouth went over my wedding ring. As she swung away from me, her little tooth snagged on my ring. There was instantly so much blood and she was sobbing. I'm horrible with blood; I instantly go into panic mode. I walked her back to the car with blood dripping everywhere so I could get a look at her. I lifted up her little lip and noticed right away one of her top middle teeth was missing. I called Anthany and told him that there had been an accident and he needed to come. At this point I was on the verge of being hysterical. I called my mom and explained what happened and she told me she would call the dentist and tell them we were coming. Anthany raced to us and drove us to the dentist. I was really emotional the whole time. 

The dentist visit was pretty quick. He looked at her mouth and confirmed what I was dreading to hear, her tooth was gone. Next, they had to do an X-ray to make sure it hadn't gotten shoved into her gums. Clara was screaming. It took me, Anthany, and the dentist holding her down to get a quick X-ray and he said it was completely gone. I cried some more. I started stressing that I should have looked for her tooth, maybe we could still go back and find it. But he reassured me that they wouldn't reattach it because the risk of infection or issues with her adult teeth is too great. He tried to comfort me that her permanent teeth would come in when she was around age 6 but that made me cry even more. There was nothing else they could do for her. I'm grateful he was so patient and he even told the front desk not to charge us as we walked out. 

When we got home I was so angry and upset and embarrassed. I felt like the worst mom. I was so worried that she was hurting. I loved Clara's little gap toothed smile and I was so devastated that her smile wouldn't be the same. I was afraid of what people might think and if she would get made fun of. Anthany brought Clara inside and she was just happy and sweet and silly. It made me feel a little better that she was okay. I got her in the bath to clean up the blood that was covering her face and hands.

Last night was so difficult. I cried most of the night just feeling so guilty. Every time I see her little gap I'm overwhelmed with guilt over and over again. It's so frustrating that I was just trying to be a good mom. I was trying to make memories with Clara doing something she loved. I was being attentive. We were having fun together. It's hard to understand why it had to happen. How the heck does your toddler's tooth get knocked out by your wedding ring??? I'm grateful she is young enough, that kids her age will never notice she is missing a tooth. By the time kids get to the age that they are mean and tease, everyone around her will be losing teeth too. It's only cosmetic and she is still just as adorable as ever. She is not letting it bother her and is still her happy self. While it feels like a big deal, in reality it's not. It was definitely traumatic but it could have been something much worse. I found this quote I shared on Instagram that made me feel a little bit better and I hope if anyone is having a hard day it will make you feel better too.
Before I put Clara to bed, I was sitting on the floor with her and she was rubbing my cheek with her little hand and looking into my eyes. I know that she will be okay. And I know that despite what happened, she is still happy I took her to the park.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

One Month

I'm a few days late.. and I'm typing this one handed cause I'm holding my cute baby but Clara is five weeks old! I have loved getting to know her. She is 7 lbs 13 oz right now. She is in the 4th percentile for her height and the 8th percentile for her weight. So she is pretty tiny!
As soon as Anthany gets home at night, Clara is a daddy's girl. There is nothing sweeter than seeing Anthany with our daughter. He is so good to her; she is crazy about him!
Clara is such a sweet, patient baby. But when she sleeps, she has some sass. She is SO posey with her hands. I take pictures all day cause she is always doing something new and silly with them. And she HATES waking up. She usually grunts, growls, throws her arms around, and cries for several minutes before she will open up her eyes. Then she has to stretch out her whole entire body. I usually just rub her cheek and kiss her to try to make waking up less terrible. Clara loves sleeping in her swing which is really nice but I also hate it. I love cuddling her while she sleeps. Sometimes I hold her even though I know she would sleep better if I put her down. 
We found music albums called Rockabye Baby. They have these awesome lullabies made from songs by artists like Taylor Swift, The Beatles, Maroon 5, and Elvis to name a few. She LOVES her music. Whenever she starts freaking out, if I play her songs she settles right down. She still struggles with her pacifier. We put it back in her mouth SO many times a day. Sometimes she will just let it sit hanging halfway out of her mouth. She loves taking baths. Her little mouth hangs open and her eyes look glazed over and totally relaxed. It's pretty cute. She has never cried in the bathtub. However, she gets so sad when we take her out. I think partly because it's cold, but I think also she just really loves being in the bath haha. We like to warm up her towel for her in the dryer and I think that helps. 

I love my baby girl so much. I just stare at her while she sleeps and think about how I can't believe how lucky I am. Being a mom is what I have always wanted for as long as I can remember; sometimes I still can't believe that I am a mom now. I definitely miss sleeping at night. I miss being selfish with money and being whatever I wanted. I miss when I could just pick up and go somewhere. Now I have to think about if Clara has been changed, packing burp cloths, the germs she will be exposed to, if it works with her feeding schedule. It is hard. But just like everyone says, it's so worth it. Happy one month, Clara Bug!

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Clara's Quirks

In the hospital, Clara loved her Halo wrap blanket. But I felt bad cause it was always covering the bottom half of her face. I was constantly trying to push it back down so it wasn't covering her mouth. After doing that for two days, I finally realized Clara had been snuggling her little face down in there on purpose. I'm sure it was frustrating for her that after she worked so hard to get tucked down inside, I would push it back away from her haha.
We got to do newborn pictures with Brittany Stanly Photography. Brittany was incredible! She was so sweet with her. Clara did really good sleeping and not being fussy. But she did pee all over the poor photographer. Little stinker. We should get the rest of the pictures back in about a week. I love the ones I have seen so far! I can't wait to get them printed and hanging in my house!

Clara LOVES taking baths. Anthany and I always work together for bath time. Since I'm the cosmetologist in the family, of course I always wash her hair. Anthany always washes her little body with the wash cloth. My most important job is keeping the water the perfect temperature. Even though I kind of love when the bath gets a little cold because Clara's little chin quivers and it is the CUTEST thing in the world. She hasn't pooped or peed in the tub yet, so I would say that we are pretty good!

 Clara makes the funniest faces in the mornings. We like to stay in bed for a long time in the mornings and I just watch her. And take a million pictures.

 Clara is so cute with her hands. She loves her hands. She always has to have them touching her face while she sleeps. She is a master at escaping her swaddle every night, no matter how tight I wrap it! Every time she wakes up to eat or for a diaper change I have to swaddle her all over again and get her little hands tucked in. She also loves her pacifier but she has a really hard time with it. She is still figuring out how to keep sucking on it. If you hold her, you usually have to give her pacifier back to her several times haha. It's even worse when she keeps pulling her pacifier out of her mouth. Then she gets so frustrated. It stinks having hands you can't control yet!
She did this whole time I was feeding her the other day haha.
One of Clara's favorite things is rocking with her daddy. We found albums called Rockabye Baby! They are lullabies made from songs by artists like The Beatles, Queen, Maroon 5, and Taylor Swift. We like to sing along to the lullabies to her. Our favorite is I Don't Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith. Clara is pretty alert at night. Which I love because I could stare into her cute little eyes forever but it's also exhausting.
I'm getting better and better at multitasking and doing things one handed. The boppy definitely comes in handy!
I celebrated my 23rd birthday! It was a pretty emotional day. Clara woke up with her little eye swollen shut and it was all gunky. I was so worried about her. Luckily her two week appointment was already scheduled for that day. It turned out to be just a blocked tear duct which is pretty common. We have to give her eye drops three times a day to get rid of the infection. I just cried all day looking at her. Her poor eye looked so sore and I could tell she was miserable. So I spent most of the day just cuddling with her and watching Friends on Netflix. Anthany spoiled me when he got home from work. He made me my favorite dinner: teriyaki chicken, grilled peppers, cornbread, and mashed potatoes! Plus he made me a delicious Funfetti cake! We played Phase 10 and Anthany changed most of the diapers :] It was a good night!
 It's so crazy to me how fast time is going by. I just want my baby to stay tiny forever! I'm loving getting to know her. She has so many little quirks. She is such a happy, cuddly girl. I love you, Clara Lou!

Clara's First Week

After Clara was born, we stayed two days in the hospital. Anthany and I had about five hours alone with Clara before we let family come see her. Honestly, I don't remember much of it haha. We spent lots of time holding Clara, gave her a bath, I got a quick shower, and we tried to get Clara to breastfeed. I think that I got a grilled cheese sandwich in there somewhere too. 

Anthany was incredible the whole time we stayed at the hospital. Trying to get Clara to turn was rough on my poor body so I was pretty miserable. I was on some pretty strong pain medicine and I only felt good when I was laying down. So Anthany changed every diaper, burped Clara almost every time she ate, rocked her to sleep, and picked her up when she cried. I basically just fed her and cuddled her whenever I was feeling good enough. Clara had inhaled about 5 milliliters of amniotic fluid so whenever we laid her down, she would cough and start choking. It was terrifying. Our first night with Clara, Anthany stayed up with her and rocked her almost all night because laying her down was too scary. I had nightmares all night about labor. It was almost impossible to sleep too because every little sound Clara made would freak me out haha. Plus, the nurse would come in every couple hours to check our vitals and see if we needed anything. I think I got about three hours of sleep total the first night.

The second night in the hospital, we decided to send Clara to the nursery. I felt like such a horrible mom. But we were both so worn out, and her choking was freaking us out. We wanted the nurses to see what she was doing so they could make sure she was okay. They would bring Clara in for me to feed her and I would cry when I sent her back haha. I loved staying in the hospital. I could order whatever food I wanted whenever I wanted, they had an awesome jetted tub, they brought me ice packs every couple hours, and I had SO many pillows. I was kinda sad to go home. 
Getting Clara dressed the first time was so scary! She was so tiny and fragile. 

Anthany got to stay home with us for a few days before he went back to work. Also, all my family came to stay with us and help out. I was a baby hog. I held Clara pretty much every second. Everyone was so sweet about never asking to take her from me. But they were always super willing to hold her when I needed sleep! 
The first night home with Clara was rough. She grunts in her sleep and kicks her legs like crazy. I always think she is about to wake up.
This is one of my absolute favorite pictures of her. 
She is definitely a daddy's girl. Clara falls asleep for Anthany a lot better than she goes to sleep for me. 
But since I'm the only one that can feed her, she likes me too sometimes haha.

My family cooked for me, cleaned my house, brought me anything I needed, and I got a few amazing foot massages from my mom. They were also so sweet with handling my tender emotions. I cried a lot. Usually for no reason at all haha. My nephew Ian was staying with us too. He loved to pet Clara's head and poke her haha. 

Cute little cousins

I was pretty sad when my family had to leave. My youngest sister, Krista, is staying with us a few more weeks though to visit my dad so I still have a little helper. Staying home with Clara everyday is a lot of work. One day, while I was changing her diaper she peed all over her bassinet. So I moved her to my bed to change her and she spit up all over her clothes and my bed. I finally got her all cleaned up and sat down on the couch with her and of course she started pooping. She definitely keeps me busy. But I absolutely love it. There is nothing sweeter than cuddling with your baby and kissing those soft little cheeks! I feel so lucky to be this girl's mom!

Clara's Birth Story

Before Clara was born, I thought I didn't have time for blogging. Now that she is here, I definitely don't have time for blogging! But I really want to remember everything about when she was born so I'm making time! So here is the story of the most stressful, exciting, happy, and scary day ever!

On June 3 at approximately 4:45 AM, I woke up out of my sleep because I had felt a little pop. I got up to go to the bathroom and water was running down my legs. I yelled for Anthany and told him my water had broke! When he came into the bathroom, my whole body was shivering uncontrollably. He asked if I was okay and I said I wasn't sure haha. I think it was just excitement and adrenaline and terror all kicking in at once. I tried to call my doctor's office to get the after hours phone number. I had to call three times because I couldn't focus long enough to listen to the whole recording and get the phone number. After I finally talked to the doctor, we started getting ready to head to the hospital. The whole thing didn't feel real because I wasn't even having any contractions. I did my hair, packed my last few things, and asked Anthany for a blessing. I don't really remember anything he said because I was basically in shock this whole time but I do remember that I felt so calm afterwards.

On the way to the hospital, I got to experience my first contraction. I was not impressed haha. During pregnancy, I was always scared that I wouldn't know if I was actually in labor or not. After experiencing contractions, I know that it is definitely unmistakable. All the pain was in my back. After we checked in at the hospital, I told them right away that I was ready for the epidural. I had no interest in trying to do it naturally. I was having strong contractions in my back about every three minutes. I had Group B Strep so I had to be on antibiotics for four hours before I delivered Clara so that she wouldn't get sick. I told the nurse that Clara had been posterior [she was face-up instead of face-down like she was supposed to be] at my last appointment. When they checked me at about 8:00 I was only dilated to a 2, but the nurse said that she didn't think Clara was posterior anymore.

Getting my IV was a horrible experience. I'm terrible with needles and Anthany let the nurse know what a wimp I am. She decided this was a good time to tell me that they were giving me a larger needle than what they use at the doctor's office. She was also nice enough to let me know that this would hurt more than it usually did. Dummy. She got the needle in and was wiggling it around for a long time. I started to feel so nauseous so she finally gave up and said she was going to get another nurse to come try. The second nurse tried on my other arm. She got the needle in and started messing with the IV bags and I started to feel so much pressure in my arm. Turns out, my vein had burst. So she said she was going to get another nurse to come try. I really tried to hide how annoyed I was. Luckily, the third nurse was finally able to give me my stinking IV. Then, I had to wait FOREVER for the epidural. There was an emergency that the anesthesiologist was dealing with so we had to wait. They tried giving me some pain medicine but it did not help. Back labor was so horrible; I didn't think there was anyway I was going to be able to last much longer. 

They checked me at 10:00 and I was at a 7! I was so excited that I was progressing fast. I asked again if Clara was in the right position and they said that she was. Before labor, the epidural was so scary to me. But I was in so much pain and I figured there was no way it could be worse than the IV was so I was ready for it! Turns out, it wasn't bad at all! And I felt SO much better after. Probably at least 20 times I said to Anthany, "I just feel so great right now!" It instantly calmed me down and I was able to just hang out and watch TV. I will definitely get an epidural every single time haha. The nurse said I would probably be ready to push soon but it was important that we waited till 12 so that the antibiotics would have enough time to kick in. Anthany and I tried to take a nap but we were just way too excited. 

My whole pregnancy, we had loved the name Clara. However, I am so indecisive that I refused to say that was her name until I had seen her. I knew that I wanted her middle name to be Louise, after my mom. That was the only part I was sure about. While we were sitting waiting, Anthany asked if her name was Clara. I told him not yet haha. Finally, it was 12:00! The nurse came in and said we were going to start pushing and getting things going. The doctor would come when Clara was almost here. When they were getting set up for me to push, my whole body started shivering uncontrollably again and I got so nauseous. They put me on oxygen to help me not throw up. They had me push for about 30 minutes, but Clara was not budging. Turns out, she actually was posterior. But now that she was farther down, it was going to be a lot harder to get her to turn. I was so frustrated that I tried to tell them twice and that they didn't realize she was facing the wrong way. The nurse said Dr. Evans would be there in 20 minutes and they didn't want me to push anymore until then. So we just had to wait around again. 

20 minutes turned out to actually be almost an hour and a half. Then it was finally go time! When I had contractions, they had me push and Dr. Evans would try to turn Clara. Clara had pooped, so they warned me that when she came out she wouldn't be crying and a respiratory nurse would have to help her. This next part of labor is what I remember most. It was the most chaotic, emotional part and I can remember it so vividly. I hadn't been pushing very long when Dr. Evans said he didn't think they would be able to turn Clara and she wasn't progressing anymore. Also, she wasn't handling labor very well and her heartbeat was all over the place. He said we would have to use the vacuum or I needed an emergency c-section. I said I would like to try to push her out with the vacuum if she was okay to do that. He said, "I can't promise that she will be okay." At that point, I was pretty much a wreck. I said "I don't understand what you are telling me I should do. If you think I need the emergency c-section then I want to go do that but if she is okay to do the vacuum I would rather do it that way." Dr. Evans reassured me that he had delivered a lot of babies with the vacuum and that he felt confident he could do it. He said it was really important that I stayed focused and did everything exactly how he told me to. I appreciate so much how calm and comforting Anthany was. I know he was just as scared and worried as I was but he never let me see it. 

Every time after I pushed, Dr. Evans would say "What's the heartbeat? How is she doing?" I could tell he was worried. He asked if the baby had a name. Anthany and I looked at each other and he said "Her name is Clara." I wasn't anxious about picking her name anymore. It's just who she was. Dr. Evans said "Come on, Clara. We need you to come right now." The put the vacuum on her but it somehow slipped and came off. Luckily, Clara flipped at the perfect moment and I pushed and she was born! I was instantly worried about her. Especially because she was crying when she came out and the doctor said that she shouldn't. The whole time they measured and checked her I was freaking out. I just wanted them to say that she was okay. 

Finally, they gave Clara to me. I just cried. I can't even explain that moment. I was so relieved she was okay. I couldn't believe that she was ours. It was just incredible. I feel like the pictures show it better than I can tell it. 

Anthany got to hold her and give her the first bath. He was so sweet with her from the very first second. Clara LOVES her daddy. 

Clara Louise McCabe was born at 2:01 PM after about nine and a half hours of labor. She was 7 pounds. They said she was 20 inches long, but my pediatrician says she was actually only 19 inches haha. She came when I was only 38 weeks, but the doctor said if she had been any bigger, she wouldn't have been able to turn so I'm so grateful she came when she did. We love our sweet baby girl so much! And I am SO happy to be done being pregnant!

Thursday, March 20, 2014


Aren't those pictures so sweet?? My friend Savanah Coon is so talented. Definitely check out her page here. We've been married for two years! That still doesn't seem real to me! Where does the time even go?? It really has been such a great two years. I honestly couldn't have a better person by my side. Anyways, enough sappy stuff :]
You've probably noticed I've been a little absent on the blog lately. To be honest, every time I sit down to blog, I just don't know what to say! The past six months have been really challenging for us. But I've learned through trials, there is so much opportunity for love and service and growth. I've put so much thought into whether or not I want to share our trials. I know a lot of times when we are going through hard times we feel completely alone. That's why I decided I want to share, so maybe I can help someone else feel comforted that there are other people out there that feel the same way you do. When I think back to my first miscarriage back in September, I felt so lonely. Nobody talks about miscarriages. Miscarriages are heartbreaking and you are left with so many questions. What could I have done differently? Is there something wrong with me? Where am I supposed to go from here? Then you see everyone posting announcing their pregnancy. Of course, you feel SO excited for them and happy that they are receiving their miracle, but your heart also aches. And you feel even more alone.
After I became more open about my miscarriage, I realized that miscarriage is so much more common than you think. I've had so many wonderful, thoughtful people reach out to me and share their own experience. I felt less and less isolated as I realized so many people had experienced the same heartbreak that I had. As I looked to my sweet friend who after experiencing multiple miscarriages, is finally having a healthy, normal pregnancy, I felt some hope. A quote she shared with me really has helped me in so many ways. Elder Bednar said "strong faith in the Savior is submissively accepting of His will and timing in our lives—even if the outcome is not what we hoped for or wanted."
It's so hard not to dwell on what I've lost. But the times I've felt the most comfort and overwhelming love is as I've sat in the chapel during Sacrament, as I've prayed, and as I've talked with Anthany. It's definitely a journey with lots of ups and downs. But I know our Heavenly Father loves us. He knows our dreams and our sorrows. I know without a doubt, I wouldn't have the optimism I have if it wasn't for my faith. I know our time will come. For now, I'm grateful for my opportunity to grow as an individual. Also, it has been an incredible blessing for Anthany and I's relationship. I can never repay him for the strength he showed me, the patience he always had for me, and his willingness to try every day to make me feel cared about. I'm grateful for our incredible families. Anthany's family brought us meals and were so willing to do anything to make things easier for us. My mom drove from St. George right away to be there for me. My sweet little siblings let me cry on their shoulder and played hours of Mario Kart with me haha. My dad and Tana brought us dinner and constantly checked in on us. I'm thankful for my sweet sister McKenna, who just cried with me. Also for my big sister Briana and her husband Doug. Not only did they feed us, but they went out of their way to serve us in any way they could. I can't imagine how it must feel for Bri to be preparing for her baby while I'm grieving my loss. But she is always so sensitive to my feelings and handles it all so lovingly. We have had so many more people reach out to us that we can probably never repay. We appreciate it so wholeheartedly.
Getting back on track, if you have or will or are experiencing a miscarriage, please know you are not alone. Not only are there so many people around you experiencing the same heartbreak, the Savior is always with you through any and every trial. As you turn to Him, life feels easier. And it's easier to be hopeful to the future. "Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith" - President Thomas S. Monson.